my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
