OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
