I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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