I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize