My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
