I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
