Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Actions speak louder than pants.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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