My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
