my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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