don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
