I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
