I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize