Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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