i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
