Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
