If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
