Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
