I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
