You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
