omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The Olympian is in my bed
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
