So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
