walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
