just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You left your underwear on the fireplace
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
