I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
