Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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