i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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