It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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