Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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