I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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