Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
