What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
