If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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