An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
