Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
