I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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