Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
