Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
