I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
