is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize