He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
