he puts the penis in happiness.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You took a bar mat shot.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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