hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
