Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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