I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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