Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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