Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
