need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
