Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Randomize
