I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
