If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
