I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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