I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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