All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I checked into jail on foursquare
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
