I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
