Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
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