I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
