It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Reggie can tackle my bush.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
