Your face is a jimmy john
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
