I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
