Umm I'm too high to move.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
