A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
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